Wegetarian Wampire
music & lyric by Matthew Levine

(spoken)
Times are hard for us wampires. Sometimes you need to make a change if you want to have a stake in your future, or else your future will have a stake in you.

(sung)
A wampire needs to drink the blood of humans every night
But often times there is no wictim anywhere in sight
And then it drives you batty 'cause you cannot get a bite
Oh, what's a weary wampire to do?

Years ago the fragrance of a freshly bitten neck
Had a musky nose and spicy notes and hints of Triple sec
But with witamin deficiency today, it tastes like dreck
This is what a wampire goes through.

Alas, the human race is now endangered
Soon the good ones may not be around
From what I've mentioned, we have got a problem
But I have found
Our solution's in the ground

Become a wegetarian wampire like me
Hang a new leaf on your family tree
Who needs blood? Go and give it up
Grab a peach and learn to live it up
If you want to feast for all eternity
Become a wegetarian wampire like me

Wampires can be wulnerable, you see
With humans, safety is no guaranty
With STD's you better be gloving it
Catch one and you won't be loving it
You'll have to deal with a demon you can't see
Or be a wegetarian wampire like me

And when you're having withdrawal symptoms
And the hunger attacks with a wengence
You go walking at midnight hoping it goes away
Then suddenly there in the moonlight stumbles your precious prey
A woluptuous wixen wasted on wodka
So you lie down with her in the sod caressing her nape
Your mouth is agape
There is no escape
Try to not make a mess on your cape

But then you look into her eyes and swallow
For you know that your heart will be hollow
When a dissonant chord has ended this sad duet
And though your appetite is wet, really wet,
You skip the main course and go have a cigarette
Though you could drink a horse, 'cause you know you would regret it if you killed her
So you're thinking better yet, you can have her for a pet.

(spoken)
So now I have a companion. I named her Flora. She taught me to live off the fruits of the earth. It was the only way we could be together. Still I'm hoping that if I'm a good wampire, for my birthday she might play with me my favorite game, Transfusion. Or not.

Still my pet and I have lots of things to do
She's my little wirgin, it's true!
Yesterday I sat and stewed
Now I'm playing with my food
But gorging on her juicy neck is now taboo
For I am now a wegetarian, too.

Wampires listen to this devotee
Try it for a night and you'll agree
Earth is like a grand utopia
Life is one big cornucopia
A change of diet and we're making history!
You don't have to be contrarian
Make a change, it's not so scary an'
try a cumquat, lose the carrion
Let me help you pop your cherry and
in your ecstacy
You will learn to be a wegetarian wampire like me!